Due to a recent stint in rehab and occasional nights in a holding cell, Dutch is back on the keys shooting the shit that you guys wanna hear. Within the next week, I will finish up the St. Patty's Day shenanigans, my recent trip to Atlantic City, and the weekend up in Boston. Many people have been hounding me to get back on the blog and tell everyone about the insane shit that happens that some of you could only dream about. On a good note, over these last few weeks I have:
1. Given up drinking, only to fall back into an extreme boozing life style.
2. Fought a street sign while blacked out, and lost.
3. Spent all of my money in AC, but to find out the biggest loser was my friend who only came back with one shoe.
4. Woke up in Boston one morning, while the rest of my friends woke up at our hotel in Foxboro.
5. Had a entire cup of hot coffee dumped on me, and my response was laughter
6. Acquired a grenade whistle, but we call it a whore horn
7. Became addicted to Son's of Anarchy and River Monsters
8. And finally have given up on school work because Finkle purchased a roulette wheel and table
Since I have so much to talk about, leave a comment on which story you want to hear first. Spread the word, the blog is back and pumping out epic stories like it used to.
Dutch OUT
Showing posts with label Dutch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dutch. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
St. Fuckin Patty's
Long time, no blog. Dutch had to take some time off a.k.a. a weekend in county followed by rehabilitation. And it was all because of my epic story from St. Patty's Day.
The day started like any other normal day.
1. Waking up way too early and severely hungover from the night before
2. Noticing the cigarette burns acquired from my friends the night before
3. And finally, trying to put on my favorite pants that I happened to have pissed all over.
But nothing could stop me from missing this day because the lord himself almost named this holiday St. Dutch Day. I begin to put on my green soccer jersey, followed by obnoxious green beads, light up stickers, and shamrock Oakleys (Yes people, I am a fucking G and have shamrock Oakleys). The ghost, being the mind reader that he is, picked me up a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and a bagel with shmear. The purpose of filling up very early is to make sure you have enough man-fuel to possibly get you through a 16 hour day of binge drinking. All man-fueled up = Time for the festivities.
I walk into the quad and just see a slew of partially drunk and still completely hungover jibroni's (my friends). Now I'm talking 30 deep. Chicks and Dicks. The whole fucking picnic basket ladies and gents. You had your tall, short, fat, skinny, ginger, hot, and swamp-donkey friends all waiting for some hint of direction as to where to go. And I left out the fact that it's about 10 a.m. at this point. Once the crew of ass-holes is rallied up, we head up to the bus stop.
1. My friends are all country bumpkins and have never taken MassTransit in their life.
2. Nobody has a MetroCard except for me.
3. My friends are dick heads.
4. They don't even have quarters to give the bus driver.
By some miracle, this bus driver let 25-35 dip-shits on the bus for a combined price of probably $6.42. Now this guy was a saint. The only thing was that he wanted us to sit in the back, away from the paying customers. Bus is moving now and I got a group of probably three 16-17 year old girls that cut school, and got some old creepy guy to buy them beer. BOOM Target. These chicks have to get fucked with. I begin to ramble about how my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls. But while I'm doing this, I have my shirt up to my nipples and I'm digging my finger in my belly-button, as if to find "Some Lucky Charms." Needless to say, they exit at the next stop. Bus is continuing to take us to the train station and by now, everyone on the bus knows that my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls. We get off the bus at the train station faster then when you go to the bathroom after mixing street meat with red bull vodkas. But now we are minus 2 love-birds because they forgot to get off.
Train Ride = The Beginning of The End
1. Half of us hop the turn-style like in The Warriors. Except we didn't have bandanas and cool vests
2. Its hot as fuck on the train, Therefore my fly is open to keep my homeostasis on point
3. Pockets are full of beer and cigarettes, so I put a beer in my open fly
4. Everyone on the train now knows that my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls
5. Fact: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes on a subway car
Train arrives where we need to be. Now there's a wild pack of hot sweaty slam-pigs leaving the train. Were a little drunk right now and insist on hopping the turn-style even when exiting the subway. When we emerge from the station, I felt as if the subway shit me out into a sea of green that just smelt like vomit and old hot dogs. I was in paradise. Fuck Spring Break, there were enough underage smoke-shows to last me a lifetime. We were confused as to where to walk, so we just creepily follow a group of hot chicks that were stumbling down a street chugging water bottles full of the devils piss. WHO THE FUCK DRINKS VODKA ON ST. PATTY'S DAY. Whatever, their already dead to me at this point.
We stumble upon the parade and there's a barricade and a cop saying "Do Not Enter, Exit Only." My response as I enter the barricade, "I'm a cop, don't worry, i just forgot my beer over there." And the dumb bitch bought it. I watch the parade for about 14 seconds and realize its the same shit as every year. I walk back over to my buddies and there's a guy holding up a street sign.
My Jewish buddy didn't seem to take offense to the sign so I started taking pictures with the guy. But every time before a picture was snapped, I would jam my thumb in the guys ass and move to the other side. He was obviously shit-faced so this seemed like an entertaining game until he hit me in the dome with his sign. He didn't know that my head is harder then the devil's dick, so his sign had to suffer for it.
Now the motley crew heads into a bar/restaurant because we've been trying to take shits for the last two hours. I enter the bathroom first and drop a heaping dump that would even impress Simon Cowell. This thing looked like that guys hand from Mortal Combat. All you fucking losers know what I'm talking about. Just like any other epic dump, I snap a pic of it on my phone. But what I didn't snap a pic of was The Ghost pissing in the urinal with his pants around his ankles. Fucking EPIC.
Check in tomorrow for Part 2 of the story as there will probably be more then 2 parts of this story. The whole day is just too epic to leave out any details. Also, being that I was in the state of "Inanimate Objects are Talking to Me" Drunk, I have to clarify some more things with other sources.
Stay Classy CockSuckers
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Iron Mike
The most unintentionally funny man in the sports world. One of the scariest men with homosexual tendencies.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Autoerotic Asphyxiation
This generations youth has brought a new meaning to fucking twisted sex. When people first started boning, it would be one person and another person. Over time this turned into people fucking animals, corpses, apple-turnovers, and shampoo bottles. I have even heard of kids bringing bagels back from the cafeteria, microwaving them, and then fucking them (supposedly it very closely resembles a twat). But now some people are taking it to the next level. Autoerotic Asphyxiation is the attempt to cut-off ones air supply while they masturbate. Something about this isn't very appealing to me. Here are some tips to remember when perform this act:
1. Make sure you have a fail-safe. Make sure you have a knife to cut the rope tied around your neck or a chair.
2. Make sure to leave one of the most fucked up crime scenes in the case you actually die. Besides leaving porn and girls underwear all around you, turn around family photos, take a shit and don't wipe or flush, hang your favorite stuffed animal next to you on a similar noose, and turn the microwave on defrost for 30 minutes with nothing inside.
3. Use a friend. There is nothing wrong with a spotter. Someone who can motivate you to rub out your dong faster and harder or in the event you pass out, they can remove the strangling device from around your neck or face. After the asphyxiation occurs, you may need to have a heart to heart talk with your buddy about what just happened.
4. Just stick to fucking inanimate objects. There's no danger in fucking a chicken pot pie or a microwaved bagel with lox smear. I don't think the apple-turnover will press any charges for rape or sexual abuse.
Happy Spanking Boys
1. Make sure you have a fail-safe. Make sure you have a knife to cut the rope tied around your neck or a chair.
2. Make sure to leave one of the most fucked up crime scenes in the case you actually die. Besides leaving porn and girls underwear all around you, turn around family photos, take a shit and don't wipe or flush, hang your favorite stuffed animal next to you on a similar noose, and turn the microwave on defrost for 30 minutes with nothing inside.
3. Use a friend. There is nothing wrong with a spotter. Someone who can motivate you to rub out your dong faster and harder or in the event you pass out, they can remove the strangling device from around your neck or face. After the asphyxiation occurs, you may need to have a heart to heart talk with your buddy about what just happened.
4. Just stick to fucking inanimate objects. There's no danger in fucking a chicken pot pie or a microwaved bagel with lox smear. I don't think the apple-turnover will press any charges for rape or sexual abuse.
Happy Spanking Boys
Monday, March 14, 2011
Video Of The Week
This little chimps got moves that put me to shame. Now if this were only the monkey that smoked cigarettes.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Koi Fishing
Nothing turns on a guy more then watching a girl get down and dirty with some fishing. But this story is not about that. I attend a college where there is a sacred pond called a "Grotto" on the front of my campus. Enough about the history lesson, lets get to the funny part.
I was pulling on to campus today and noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Some old fuckin hag from the land of asia, had what appeared to be a pool skimmer and was attempting to catch one of the hundreds of Koi fish in the grotto. Now this lady had to be 80 years old and didn't seem to give a fuck about the pond being sacred. She nets one of those big orange cock-suckers and begins to lift it out of the water. Once the fish was fully out of water, the head of the skimmer snapped releasing the the big body Koi fish back into the grotto.
You think it ends there. This dumb bitch walks over to the security booth looking to use the phone (with the broken skimmer in hand). Now my favorite security guard is working, and she is one of those really sweet black women who lets me park on campus even though I lack a parking pass. Once she sees this lady walking towards her with a snapped pool skimmer, shit got real fuckin hood, real quick. She moved outta the security booth faster than Adrian Peterson ran his 40. She starts yelling shit at this bitch, pretty much to the effect of asking her if she was retarded. She then rips the skimmer out of this old bitches hands. This is when shit started getting ethnic.
1000 Views to find out the rest of the story
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Movie Review: Battle LA
So for anybody on the fence about see the new action/thriller "Battle Los Angeles," stop questioning and go buy a ticket. This was one of those movies that makes guys jump out of there chairs and let out manly grunts, while at the same time maintaining a semi-chubby. This is a movie you see with your fellow bros and crushing a 30 rack between 3-4 of you makes for a perfect recipe. For you women, you may not find the same enjoyment as us dudes. But Michele Rodriguez represents bad ass chicks in this flick, and even with full camo and 30 lbs of gear on, she can still make any pre-pubescent boy melt in his pants.
Friday, March 11, 2011
NFL STRIKE BEGINS!
WASHINGTON (AP)—The NFL players’ union decertified on Friday, making the league’s first work stoppage since 1987 a near certainty.
After 16 days of mediated talks with the NFL, the sides could not reach agreement on a new deal. The current one expires at the end of Friday, and the league could lock out its players.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell…
AP - Mar 4, 4:32 pm EST
AP - Mar 4, 4:32 pm EST
By decertifying, the union clears the way for individual players to file antitrust lawsuits against the NFL, which opted out of the CBA in 2008. It renounced its right to represent the players in contract bargaining.
The CBA was due to expire a week ago and was extended twice.
The union’s latest move sets the stage for a lengthy court fight that could potentially threaten the 2011 season. The last work stoppage came when the players struck 24 years ago, leading to games with replacement players.
In 1989, the NFLPA also decertified. Antitrust lawsuits by players forced a new CBA in 1993 that included free agency, and the union formed again that year.
“We met with the owners until about 4 o’clock today,” union head DeMaurice Smith said outside the mediator’s office. “We discussed a proposal they had presented. At this time, significant differences continue to remain. We informed the owners that … if there was going to be a request for an extension, that we asked for 10 years of audited financial information to accompany that extension.”
About 15 minutes later, the union decertified.
“The parties have not achieved an overall agreement,” federal mediator George Cohen said, “nor have they been able to resolve the strongly held competing positions that separated them on core issues.
“No useful purpose would be served by requesting the parties to continue the mediation process at this time.”
The players’ union immediately shut down its websites—NFLPA.org and NFLPlayers.com. A search for NFLPA.org yielded this message: “Error 404: Football Not Found. Please be patient as we work on resolving this. We are sorry for the inconvenience.”
ShitShow Recollection
So, last night. I wish I could end it there, but unfortunately last night was too good to not write about. Putting a bunch of drunk college kids in a bar filled with smoke and 105 degree heat, on a night of pouring rain, are the ingredients for an epic disaster or movie worthy night.
After getting back from work, much later then usual, I ran into a few of my dipshit buddies, fucking hugging and doing very non-hetero, but acceptable, shit. You know when guys get really drunk and almost everything is followed by a High Five or an acceptable man hug. It looked like these guys were having a fun bro-on-bro sesh so I didn't want to interfere, but the man-fuel factor was high so I joined in. The conversation was like every other conversation we have. We only talk about three things.
1. Dude you look like your shitfaced. SICK
2. Yeah yo, I'm gonna fuck her tonight.
3. Dude, Tiesto
After this little interaction I preceded into my dormitory, which for some reason was giving me a vibe that I was about to embark on an epic fucking journey. I take the elevator up stairs to see whats up, and just as expected, the fucking young dirty boys are sucking down beers faster then when a 12 year old cries after she gets her first period.
Sidenote: This paragraph isnt over, i just cracked a beer and felt everyone should just know how much of a fucking gangsta I am.
After seeing the faces of The Ghost, Young Bernie Whooooadoff, Donnie, Wrecker, TrainGuy, Honkey Tonk Man, FastJim, Douglas, and Knuckles, I knew that these guys were lookin to get their dicks in some dirty shit. I'll skip ahead to not bore you with the marathon shot-gunning session and the guys trying to put a cigarette out on my ass while I was in the shower.
Sooo its time to go to the bar.
Fact 1: 6 grown ass fuckin dudes and a chick can fit in a 2 door Volkswagon
Upon arriving at the shit-hole of a bar we attend every week, we park a block away and sprint through the buckets of water being pissed on us by the sky. When we enter, the temperature rises about 60 degrees and we all begin sweating like the fuckin pigs that we are. Beers and mixed drinks are being consumed at a pace that may kill some human beings.
Fact 2: Triple fisting is the new thing
We make our way to the dance floor and listen to a few of our anthem songs such ass OPP, We No Speak Americano, and Teach Me How To Dougie. Now my boy Douglas can get down and Dougie like a fucking don mega of a hood rat. Everyones dancing and having fun so I decide to shake up some silver bullets and make it rain on bitches. Cans get cracked open and bitches are getting a diesel champagne shower. I then see the spawn of Donnie grab TrainGuy and perform what appeared to be a trust-fall on the dance floor. The only problem was that nobody was behind them to catch em. Then laying on the ground like two corpses i proceeded to laugh and dump $3 dollar beers on them.
3 O'clock + A mop of dudes piss drunk = Cab's Are Here
Fact 3: When a cabbie won't let you smoke in the car, its a free ride.
A few bros jump in a cab with me. Right off the bat the cabbies being a dick. First he wont take us to school, then he's overcharging us, and he decides to take his own sketchy route. FastJim gives me THE LOOK when we pull up to campus. The doors open, "How much do we owe," Peace Out. Next thing you know, 4 guys in full sprints with the cabbie fair are darting through campus. Guys are hiding behind trees but I only have one thing on my mind. GET THE FUCK TO YOUR ROOM AS FAST AS YOU CAN. When running on grass in a monsoon, most people don't notice pools that develop that may be up to 2 feet deep of water. In my panic and balls to the wall sprint, I trip on a tree root.
You already know what's coming. Out of a movie, I belly flop into a giant pool of water. Now when I say I was submerged, I shit you not, my entire body was under water. Balls deep in mud and cigarette butts, I am drowning on what was earlier a lawn. *Karma. Once I collect myself and get pass all the laughter I sprint back into my dorm.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
ONCE WE GET TO 2000 VIEWS, YOU'LL HEAR THE REMAINDER OF THIS EPIC NIGHT. TRUST ME, SHIT GETS WILD.
After getting back from work, much later then usual, I ran into a few of my dipshit buddies, fucking hugging and doing very non-hetero, but acceptable, shit. You know when guys get really drunk and almost everything is followed by a High Five or an acceptable man hug. It looked like these guys were having a fun bro-on-bro sesh so I didn't want to interfere, but the man-fuel factor was high so I joined in. The conversation was like every other conversation we have. We only talk about three things.
1. Dude you look like your shitfaced. SICK
2. Yeah yo, I'm gonna fuck her tonight.
3. Dude, Tiesto
After this little interaction I preceded into my dormitory, which for some reason was giving me a vibe that I was about to embark on an epic fucking journey. I take the elevator up stairs to see whats up, and just as expected, the fucking young dirty boys are sucking down beers faster then when a 12 year old cries after she gets her first period.
Sidenote: This paragraph isnt over, i just cracked a beer and felt everyone should just know how much of a fucking gangsta I am.
After seeing the faces of The Ghost, Young Bernie Whooooadoff, Donnie, Wrecker, TrainGuy, Honkey Tonk Man, FastJim, Douglas, and Knuckles, I knew that these guys were lookin to get their dicks in some dirty shit. I'll skip ahead to not bore you with the marathon shot-gunning session and the guys trying to put a cigarette out on my ass while I was in the shower.
Sooo its time to go to the bar.
Fact 1: 6 grown ass fuckin dudes and a chick can fit in a 2 door Volkswagon
Upon arriving at the shit-hole of a bar we attend every week, we park a block away and sprint through the buckets of water being pissed on us by the sky. When we enter, the temperature rises about 60 degrees and we all begin sweating like the fuckin pigs that we are. Beers and mixed drinks are being consumed at a pace that may kill some human beings.
Fact 2: Triple fisting is the new thing
We make our way to the dance floor and listen to a few of our anthem songs such ass OPP, We No Speak Americano, and Teach Me How To Dougie. Now my boy Douglas can get down and Dougie like a fucking don mega of a hood rat. Everyones dancing and having fun so I decide to shake up some silver bullets and make it rain on bitches. Cans get cracked open and bitches are getting a diesel champagne shower. I then see the spawn of Donnie grab TrainGuy and perform what appeared to be a trust-fall on the dance floor. The only problem was that nobody was behind them to catch em. Then laying on the ground like two corpses i proceeded to laugh and dump $3 dollar beers on them.
3 O'clock + A mop of dudes piss drunk = Cab's Are Here
Fact 3: When a cabbie won't let you smoke in the car, its a free ride.
A few bros jump in a cab with me. Right off the bat the cabbies being a dick. First he wont take us to school, then he's overcharging us, and he decides to take his own sketchy route. FastJim gives me THE LOOK when we pull up to campus. The doors open, "How much do we owe," Peace Out. Next thing you know, 4 guys in full sprints with the cabbie fair are darting through campus. Guys are hiding behind trees but I only have one thing on my mind. GET THE FUCK TO YOUR ROOM AS FAST AS YOU CAN. When running on grass in a monsoon, most people don't notice pools that develop that may be up to 2 feet deep of water. In my panic and balls to the wall sprint, I trip on a tree root.
You already know what's coming. Out of a movie, I belly flop into a giant pool of water. Now when I say I was submerged, I shit you not, my entire body was under water. Balls deep in mud and cigarette butts, I am drowning on what was earlier a lawn. *Karma. Once I collect myself and get pass all the laughter I sprint back into my dorm.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
ONCE WE GET TO 2000 VIEWS, YOU'LL HEAR THE REMAINDER OF THIS EPIC NIGHT. TRUST ME, SHIT GETS WILD.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Words of The WEEK
Winning - This seems to be in everyones vocabulary already so why not add winning to the already fucked up slang that white people use nowadays.
Libya - This week, instead of saying that something or someone is fucked up, just say they are Libya
Fellatio - Oral sex has become so many different words over time, but in light of March being the birth month of Justin Bieber, the biggest cock-smoker of em all, lets bring oral back to it's origins. So when you wake up tomorrow and tell your boys how you got dome from some 15 year old, tell them "She performed Fellatio on my meat hammer."
Gnarly - As spoken by the savior of man, Chuck Sheen, the word "GNARLY" is back. This word can be used when describing how disgusting a females bush may be, the excitement you receive when you expel your own man-milk on your passed out buddy, or the burning sensation you feel around your glory hole after you eat cafeteria food
St. John's Advances With Help From Blind Officials
I would never go against St. John's, especially in this cinderella season. Poor officiating denied Rutgers one last chance to advance in the Big East Playoffs. The zebras looked like they wanted out and around :27, it looks like the poor cock-suckers pacemaker is gonna shit out on him. Too bad for him, Rutgers had the only AED in the facility.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Jack3D
1. When you drop a deuce, your shit looks like a bowl of Lucky Charms
2. Possibility of seizure or heart-failure due to the amount of caffeine entering the bloodstream
After ripping about 4 scoops of Jack3D, slamming down a 24 case of water, lifting arms for 2 1/2 hours, and consuming obnoxious amounts of protein, your muscles look great, until an hour later when you are fully deflated, in a state of depression and have varying thoughts of suicide. But this shit is most definitely the hottest thing in the college gym today.
But ladies don't be alarmed. We may be very consumed in our temporary muscle growth, but our dicks don't get any bigger after hoarding this shit into our body. So don't worry about your boyfriend thrashing up your likely already mangled vagina. Happy lifting boys.
Your dream body is just one cycle of needles away.
Photographing Your Shits
This seems to be a popular thing nowadays for men (typically in their early 20's) to take pictures of their heaping dumps on their cell phones. You then later send the picture to your buddies to pretty much show them the magnitude of the steaming turd you just took. But i ran into an odd situation today and wasnt sure how to handle it. Just picture, your pants down around your ankles, dingleberries still around your cornhole, and an unlocked bathroom door. You reach for your phone because the massive shit you just took, looks like a character from Pan's Labyrinth. Right now you have a smile from ear to ear as you zoom in on possible fetus you just passed through your corn-hole. Right as you are about to snap your epic shit-pic of the day, you hear, "Dude, What the fuck are you doing." Only to turn around to one of your bros, who has probably been staring at your shitter for at least 5 seconds. Definition of an instant boner-kill and awkward 5-10 minutes after.
Even though my massive log looked like HellBoy's fist, I had to wipe in shame knowing that one of my bros saw me just inches away from something on the smell scale of a dead, rotting hooker that used to smoke 2 packs a day, and give out rusty trombones for a nickel.
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