Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Return of Dutch

Due to a recent stint in rehab and occasional nights in a holding cell, Dutch is back on the keys shooting the shit that you guys wanna hear. Within the next week, I will finish up the St. Patty's Day shenanigans, my recent trip to Atlantic City, and the weekend up in Boston. Many people have been hounding me to get back on the blog and tell everyone about the insane shit that happens that some of you could only dream about. On a good note, over these last few weeks I have:

1. Given up drinking, only to fall back into an extreme boozing life style.
2. Fought a street sign while blacked out, and lost.
3. Spent all of my money in AC, but to find out the biggest loser was my friend who only came back with one shoe.
4. Woke up in Boston one morning, while the rest of my friends woke up at our hotel in Foxboro.
5. Had a entire cup of hot coffee dumped on me, and my response was laughter
6. Acquired a grenade whistle, but we call it a whore horn
7. Became addicted to Son's of Anarchy and River Monsters
8. And finally have given up on school work because Finkle purchased a roulette wheel and table

Since I have so much to talk about, leave a comment on which story you want to hear first. Spread the word, the blog is back and pumping out epic stories like it used to.

Dutch OUT

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Is Chuck Sheen the second coming of Christ, or just a legend of our time?

I'm sure most of you have seen the recent news about good old Chucky and are saying man this guy can't be for real. I think that anyone who thinks he has lost it is a complete jackass. The man is in complete control of his life. He is living the dream, already swimming in millions he goes out and convinces two porn stars, in which he referred to as his "goddesses", to become his girlfriends/fuckbuddies and help raise his kids. Now on tour, preaching the good word and sharing the stories of his life like young Jesus Christ did, imparting wisdom to his followers across the country. The man is invincible no matter how many times he goes in and out of rehab and how many DUI's he gets and drug tests he fails, the hookers, the drinking, his reputation never gets destroyed. He was famously named as one of the clients of Heidi Fleiss's brothel a few years back, his response was "I like sex and can afford it."He can also be known as "Wild Thing" in the movie Major League, where he rocked the most ridiculous pair of glasses along with an even more ridiculous haircut, and some how managed to seem badass and pork his teammate's wife. Chuck continues to amaze me. Im sure if you watch this interview you see how this man really lives the thugg life.              
     The man is ripping a dart on national television during an ABC interview and blowing the smoke into Andrea Canning's face. God like? I think so. When asked if he would submit to a drug test, his response was "sure got a cup?".  As he continues to light up another bogey and sip his long island iced tea I'm sure the only thing on his mind was what Andrea Canning looked like naked and if she would be willing to snort a line of cocaine off his pecker. Then when asked why he offended one of the creators of the show? He responds with, "Sorry if I offended you I didn't know you were such a puss... I mean you were so sensitive." Continue to follow his news and share the word of Chuck. AMEN.

-Wrecker out.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Is Puma the next Ed Hardy!

Puma is really tired of getting shit on by they have decided to take over the bar scene. But honestly how is wearing Puma going to help get some pussy or shoot a dart straight. Puma is targeting the after hours athletes... Let us know what you think.

Bad Luck or Good PR

I figured that I should share this with you guys.  I am currently sitting in class hanging my head in shame and my face is as red as the devils dick because my teacher is convinced that I am a homo.  I was supposed to be doing the work that she assigned at the beginning of class but I was really surfing the Dirty Boys page.  When I saw her start to walk around the class I quickly minimized the page like a 12 year old boy who just got caught jerking off by his parents for the first time.  I thought I was slick and brought up my excel spreadsheet.  I didn't realize that even thought the page wasn't up on the screen the box at the bottom of the page said Young Dirty Boys.  She totally caught me and called me out on it.  She said, "HMMMMM... Young  Dirty Boys huh? That doesn't look like the work and shouldn't it be young dirty girls."  I  tried to play it off like it was nothing but she had already announced it to the class.  I just replied, "UHHH read my blog?"  I'm still in shock and completely baffled by my situation.  While this was all going on, The Honkey Tonk Man and Donnie are hysterically laughing and pissing their pants while they sit in the row in front of me.  There is no recovering from that one, she definitely thinks that I love dick. Rightfully so I guess. Fuck me right?!

Monday, March 28, 2011

What your favorite movie really is...Amazing how right this is!

This math test will determine your favorite movie. Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be “Dumb and Dumber". I knew i was a faggot. I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don’t look at the movie list till you have done the math.
This crazy math quiz can most likely predict which of the 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don’t ask me how, but it really works.
Movie Test:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply by 3. 

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

 5. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies after the break.


Movie List:

1. Night at the Roxberry
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. Dumb and Dumberer
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Blade
11. Jurassic Park
12. Dumb and Dumber
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story 3
Now, ain’t that something…..?
Weird how true it is right.....?
...... Goat-fuckersss!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Guys Tips 4 Chicks: Week 2


Coco Austin Has Great Eyes

What's Mine Is Not Yours - I know that sometimes people get caught up in the heat of the moment, but some shit is just unacceptable. Now us guys have roaming hands, but thats just the way it always has been. Some guys, before they release their Man-Milk, may either pull some hair, scratch their partners back, whelp like a school girl bitch, or might throw a finger in their girls ass. IT IS NOT LEGIT FOR A FEMALE TO TOSS A FINGER IN OUR ASS. This is an exit only for most of us and you probably don't have a PhD in the art of the colonoscopy.

Swallow The Gravy - Unless battery acid is a part of your man's diet, you should be able to take the cream of wheat like a champ. Some chicks say it taste bad but it only last a few seconds and you've probably eaten shit that tastes worse as part of your bulimic diets. When you order the Soup Du Jour, you don't spit it back into your napkin. Bon Appetit Bitches

No Questions Please - One of the most boner killing statements a guy can hear is "Are you gonna go." No shit we're gonna go. Barring the fact we may be completely inebriated to what is occurring around us. I have never met a guy that just bones but wont finish the job. And girls, if it's taking over an hour for your partner to explode from his man-italia, your obviously doing something wrong because most of us can take care of our own business in 2-3 minutes when you aren't around.

St. Fuckin Patty's

Long time, no blog. Dutch had to take some time off a.k.a. a weekend in county followed by rehabilitation. And it was all because of my epic story from St. Patty's Day.

The day started like any other normal day. 
1. Waking up way too early and severely hungover from the night before
2. Noticing the cigarette burns acquired from my friends the night before
3. And finally, trying to put on my favorite pants that I happened to have pissed all over.

But nothing could stop me from missing this day because the lord himself almost named this holiday St. Dutch Day. I begin to put on my green soccer jersey, followed by obnoxious green beads, light up stickers, and shamrock Oakleys (Yes people, I am a fucking G and have shamrock Oakleys). The ghost, being the mind reader that he is, picked me up a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and a bagel with shmear. The purpose of filling up very early is to make sure you have enough man-fuel to possibly get you through a 16 hour day of binge drinking. All man-fueled up = Time for the festivities.

I walk into the quad and just see a slew of partially drunk and still completely hungover jibroni's (my friends). Now I'm talking 30 deep. Chicks and Dicks. The whole fucking picnic basket ladies and gents. You had your tall, short, fat, skinny, ginger, hot, and swamp-donkey friends all waiting for some hint of direction as to where to go. And I left out the fact that it's about 10 a.m. at this point. Once the crew of ass-holes is rallied up, we head up to the bus stop. 

1. My friends are all country bumpkins and have never taken MassTransit in their life.
2. Nobody has a MetroCard except for me.
3. My friends are dick heads.
4. They don't even have quarters to give the bus driver.

By some miracle, this bus driver let 25-35 dip-shits on the bus for a combined price of probably $6.42. Now this guy was a saint. The only thing was that he wanted us to sit in the back, away from the paying customers. Bus is moving now and I got a group of probably three 16-17 year old girls that cut school, and got some old creepy guy to buy them beer. BOOM Target. These chicks have to get fucked with. I begin to ramble about how my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls. But while I'm doing this, I have my shirt up to my nipples and I'm digging my finger in my belly-button, as if to find "Some Lucky Charms." Needless to say, they exit at the next stop. Bus is continuing to take us to the train station and by now, everyone on the bus knows that my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls. We get off the bus at the train station faster then when you go to the bathroom after mixing street meat with red bull vodkas. But now we are minus 2 love-birds because they forgot to get off. 

Train Ride = The Beginning of The End

1. Half of us hop the turn-style like in The Warriors. Except we didn't have bandanas and cool vests
2. Its hot as fuck on the train, Therefore my fly is open to keep my homeostasis on point
3. Pockets are full of beer and cigarettes, so I put a beer in my open fly
4. Everyone on the train now knows that my friend drives an ice-cream truck covered in skulls
5. Fact: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes on a subway car

Train arrives where we need to be. Now there's a wild pack of hot sweaty slam-pigs leaving the train. Were a little drunk right now and insist on hopping the turn-style even when exiting the subway. When we emerge from the station, I felt as if the subway shit me out into a sea of green that just smelt like vomit and old hot dogs. I was in paradise. Fuck Spring Break, there were enough underage smoke-shows to last me a lifetime. We were confused as to where to walk, so we just creepily follow a group of hot chicks that were stumbling down a street chugging water bottles full of the devils piss. WHO THE FUCK DRINKS VODKA ON ST. PATTY'S DAY. Whatever, their already dead to me at this point. 

We stumble upon the parade and there's a barricade and a cop saying "Do Not Enter, Exit Only." My response as I enter the barricade, "I'm a cop, don't worry, i just forgot my beer over there." And the dumb bitch bought it. I watch the parade for about 14 seconds and realize its the same shit as every year. I walk back over to my buddies and there's a guy holding up a street sign.

My Jewish buddy didn't seem to take offense to the sign so I started taking pictures with the guy. But every time before a picture was snapped, I would jam my thumb in the guys ass and move to the other side. He was obviously shit-faced so this seemed like an entertaining game until he hit me in the dome with his sign. He didn't know that my head is harder then the devil's dick, so his sign had to suffer for it.

Now the motley crew heads into a bar/restaurant because we've been trying to take shits for the last two hours. I enter the bathroom first and drop a heaping dump that would even impress Simon Cowell. This thing looked like that guys hand from Mortal Combat. All you fucking losers know what I'm talking about. Just like any other epic dump, I snap a pic of it on my phone. But what I didn't snap a pic of was The Ghost pissing in the urinal with his pants around his ankles. Fucking EPIC.

Check in tomorrow for Part 2 of the story as there will probably be more then 2 parts of this story. The whole day is just too epic to leave out any details. Also, being that I was in the state of "Inanimate Objects are Talking to Me" Drunk, I have to clarify some more things with other sources.

Stay Classy CockSuckers

Whats in your Vagina?

Police in northeastern Pennsylvania say they recovered more than 50 bags of heroin, cash and loose change from a woman following a cavity search.

Authorities say 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas was detained last weekend following a crash. Scranton police say they found three bags of heroin in her jacket and after being taken to the police station she told investigators she had more hidden in her vagina.
A doctor performed a search and recovered 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, prescription pills and $51.22.
Mackaliunas was jailed on $25,000 bail on charges including possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance. It was not clear if she had an attorney.
A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Monday.
-Out of curiousity, how freaking high do you have to be to stretch open and just stuff everything in like a hefty bag? Funniest part... doctors found $51.22. 22 CENTS! not a quarter, but this women decides to hide at a minimum two dimes and two pennies in her vagina! Because apparently they were THAT worth hanging on too

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Top 5 Spring Break Hot Spots for 2011

1. Cancun

Tulum Ruins and Beach, South of Cancun (in attitude and distance)
Cancun, you're still the one. This little piece of Mexico is pure craziness during March and April: margarita madness and a massive influx of students doing the spring thing on drop-dead gorgeous beaches and in late-late-late night clubs. Don't forget to get a passport for this perennially popular paradise on Mexico's Caribbean!


2. Panama City, Florida

Panama City and Panama City Beach have Florida's spring break top dog billing yet again in 2011, though Miami, especially South Beach, will once more offer some serious competition. mtvU was all about Panama City in 2009 showing the planet that Panama City's a sure bet for the kind of fantastic fun that makes a break memorable for the rest of your life.

3. Miami and South Beach, Florida

Spring Break in South Beach Miami, Florida
Welcome to prime time, South Beach and Miami Beach! Just east of Miami, South Beach is bordered by Biscayne Bay on one side and the Atlantic on the other (which is where you'll find the beaches you'll like). South Beach is a tres cool club scene (is your attitude really ready?). Just up the sand is Miami Beach -- bit cheaper and less of dress-with-the-best thing.

4. Europe

Eiffel Tower at Night, Paris
Exchange rates ain't bad, and thus Europe moves up four places on the list of spring break hot spots for 2011 -- Amsterdam, London and Paris will be the cities in which you'll see the most American students, followed by Rome, Florence, Madrid, and Berlin. All chilly cities this time of year, so the social scene will be indoors (your hostel's always the best bet for finding the party place), but sights will be free of summer's mobs: great time to be in Europe, and way more US students will be there this year than last. 

5. Puerto Vallarta

Dancers in Puerto Vallarta's Christine Club
Puerto Vallarta's a beach-meets-Mexican-mountains city that will again have a lot of what you want for 2011 friendly folks, awesome nightlife, beautiful beaches, great all-inclusive hotel deals and all the action's not just at the beach, either: parasail or mountain bike, for instance. Hasta pronto!